After all this time, I start to wonder
Are we even really friends?
Years of baring my soul to you but,
You never give it back. When you do
It's like an afterthought
Like I'm neutral to you.
Last time I had someone like this, it went badly
Now I see the patterns again
But this time I won't blame myself
When the one person I could never hate,
Begins to annoy me
Maybe I needed the space
Maybe we both did
It isn't high school anymore
We all came back desperately pretending it is
But it will never be like that again
All of us making up for last time, 4 months
Yelling over each other, trying to be the loudest person in the room
Other groups aren't like this
Other groups can be normal
What did I create? Why can't we?
Relationships, breakups, tiny grievances in my head surfacing more and more every time I see them
And that's when the thoughts hit me.
I like my new friends more
Maybe we were too much like family.
Maybe we shouldn't have been, family is messy.
My family is messy.
And yet, even we don't talk the way the others have been talking recently.
I come "home" and I am harassed for things I haven't thought of in weeks
The new friends aren't close but there's potential there
I don't love them but I'm starting to like them
And they don't feel like family...
They're certainly not as dysfunctional
How isolating it is to not feel the same happiness anymore
Maybe this vacation just got too long
Maybe I just need to go home
And leave all this as an afterthought